The intentionality of our contribution...or imposition
Originally posted Mar 9, 2019
When we think about what it means to be human, what role are we playing in the possible answer?
Not long ago, my mom told me that her main objective as a parent was to raise my brother and me to be independent. I would say she was wildly successful at achieving her goal.
That conversation prompted me to consider what my primary objective is in raising our two kids. It’s a pretty easy answer for me:
to honour their authentic SELF-EXPRESSION.
What’s hard is the execution. The difficulty in self-expression in our culture is that it is neither taught nor celebrated. We are taught to think a certain way, want the same things, and be happy to have anyone to please at all.
Identifying our kids' self-expression and honouring who they truly and authentically are as individuals forces me to examine myself and uncover the robotic habits of my own personality. I have to wade through the deep shame that molded me to be the people pleasing perfectionist that I had mastered being. That’s decades of training. That’s a lot of fear to sort through and resolve.
It’s truly disappointing to me that so much of my life was given to a training that stole the authentic expression of myself and had me believe I was best off fitting in to an algorithm that actually didn’t suit me very well.
It’s disappointing to me that belonging, really being allowed to be myself in this world, feels like such a taboo.
I didn’t actually experience flow in my life until last year. Before then, I just shared memes about it and smugly thought I understood the concept. I don’t mean to get all Debbie Downer about it; that’s just the reality of my situation until I became really responsible for my life and learned a new way to achieve the peace, love, and happiness I am voraciously pursuing.
Of course, none of it was done intentionally. Everyone around me was learning the same thing. I learned from those who had learned from others. I was taught to value what the people around me were taught to value.
“The challenge of our time is to find a journey worthy of your heart and your soul.” Seth Godin
A couple years ago, someone asked me, “What does it mean to be human?” The first answer that came to me is competitive (I’ll write about this more in a future post). And if it’s a competition, this being human thing, then we’re all really screwed.
The competitive game brings “better-thans.” Comparison. Judgments. Right-wrong. Good-bad. Fixed mindsets. It brings the dichotomy of strong and weak, which means that some can never win or be successful. It means there are rules and ideals: the ideal way to be a human. That sounds completely absurd. Who could possibly decide that with integrity?
There is an infinite number of ways to be a human, an infinite number of ways to contribute and self-express.
Unfortunately, through school, media, and political agenda, among others means, we are taught to follow, abide, and feel bad about ourselves when we are not mainstream. Our authentic self is repeatedly told no, shut down, repressed until we oblige the mentality of the masses and become an obedient sheep, someone who fits nicely into the system. How that mutes our expression and stifles authentic connection with others slays me. It counter-intuitively reeks of the very opposite of why we are even here to begin with: For me, that is to awaken to the power and oneness of the universe, reclaim my purpose, and find peace, joy, and connection. What does it mean to you?
I love Seth Godin’s insight that “the challenge of our time is to find a journey worthy of your heart and your soul.”
We have to pick ourselves and teach our children how to pick themselves. Sometimes that doesn’t check the boxes in the success algorithm. It does, however, answer the call for the journey toward happiness and a life well-lived.
I catch myself sometimes when I am “correcting,” “teaching,” or “guiding” our kids: Am I honouring who they are now? Or am I teaching them how to fit in? If I tell our son to flat-out stop being so aggressive, am I keeping him from an Olympic title as a talented wrestler? Or professional soccer player? Or some other thing? If I stifle our daughter’s loud emotions because we are in a public place, am I doing that for her or for me or for others? If I am committed to honouring her and showing her that her emotions matter, how do I best manage this situation without my own ego coming into the picture? These are the questions I struggle with because I am not always sure of the line when my own conditioning starts to creep in.
If teaching them to “fit in” as I was taught to do diminishes who they really are and shamefully makes them extinguish their authentic self-expression just to please me and the box I got used to, then I have betrayed our children and my primary objective of parenting: honour our kids for exactly who they are.
Let them know they don’t have to play the competitive game. No one can beat them at being themselves. And really, this goes for everyone, not just our kids.
In order to see them as their true selves, I must discover my true self. I must see me first.
I am committed to finding my authentic self and consistently speaking my truth so that I can give our kids the freedom to be themselves. I cannot give them something I do not have. And I work on it daily.
What is your primary objective in raising your kids or when dealing with others?
What beliefs do you have that made that your primary objective? Where do those beliefs come from?
If I have stirred something up in you, let me know what it is.
Please share what is foremost on your heart that you would like to leave others with after being with you. I value your comments and input.
Have another marvelous day!
Much love,
Leanne.