I don’t got this, and you don’t got this, either.

Originally posted on March 22, 2019

There is a profound paradox in our society of people running around declaring in various ways that they are so, so fine and have life handled but who are secretly embarrassed as hell, lonely, and miserable.

If you have read the ABOUT page on this site, you already know that a few years ago, I reached a point in my life when I had had enough. Tolerating the hours of the day, counting the hours until bedtime, and then waking up dreading the popcorn ceiling and everything beyond was unfulfilling to say the least.

I needed help, and I finally realized that I was not going to solve my life dilemmas on my own. I desperately desired more for my life. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted my life to be for something significant. The way I was heading, I was going to be easily forgotten. And miserable.

Managing all the moving pieces of life can be challenging, especially before recognizing that our problems are not on the outside of who we are, and that every solution is internal. Literally all of them.

I went searching. For the next year of my life, I voraciously hungered for and pursued all personal growth avenues that I could find. I jumped off the proverbial abyss. You know the saying that you have to leap and trust that something will catch you. Well, I found that to be true; however, sometimes there was a considerable drop before the catching happened.

One of the intensive programs I put myself into was grueling. Parts of it were fierce. Sometimes I felt as though I was being scrubbed by a brush with metal bristles. All of it was confronting. One thing I needed to recognize was just how cemented my mindset of, “I got this,” was.

My life was basically defined by “I got this,” which is highly-celebrated in my world. You’re not surprised. It’s your world, too. Our culture celebrates the martyr, the independent over-achiever. We love to see people working themselves sick. We celebrate the heck out of CEOs who work 80+ hour weeks: “I don’t know how you do it all. Your life is so great!” We envy their yacht. We salivate over their shiny, expensive things. We desire their lifestyle. And we conveniently turn a blind eye to their multiple failed marriages, addictions, and grocery list of children who won’t talk to them.

I’ve never been a CEO. My “I got this” came from wanting people to believe that I had everything figured out. I was on my way, and everything was groovy. You don’t have to worry about me, “I got this.” “I got this” pleased the people in my life, and I definitely liked to please people. But I was walking around empty and ashamed, and I doubt anyone knew it. My “I got this” had a lot to do with not feeling worthy of contribution, not wanting to put other people out or impose on them.

My “I got this” was lonely. I felt isolated. Stagnant. Checking boxes and being nice, that was me. It was shit.

During this intensive program, I was told to call each of my cohort and ask them how I had contributed to their experience during the seven months we had spent together. The point was to show me that I had contributed to others and how that could be meaningful and significant, that I could own that. Most of my cohort was nice with their comments, generous even.

One response was different, though. This woman was very flat when she said, “You haven’t contributed anything to me.” What the!!! Who is that honest? We hung up the phone, and I tried to figure out if that meant anything to me and where the learning was.

She called back to apologize a few hours later explaining that she felt I hadn’t contributed to her because I never needed anything. I was so much of an “I got this” kind of player that she didn’t relate to me. By not letting her contribute to me, I was not contributing to her. In that moment, I learned something very valuable.

Those things that had me be “successful” in my life from a societal perspective—hard-working, independent, people-pleaser, over-achiever—also contributed to my loneliness, my unhappiness. That felt like a far cry from success. The perpetuation of “I got this” came from my ego, not my true Self. My true Self never had a chance as long as “I got this” was manning the gates.

When I realized that not only could I not control everything, but that I no longer desired to, my life started to flow more. When I became vulnerable and let others in to collaborate and contribute in my life, I didn’t need to have all the answers or know how to do everything. I opened the door for fulfillment, deep connection, success, and awareness of my life’s purpose. So much pressure was released, and space was created for incredible blessings to show up.

I learned about humility. And I learned that I need other people. I want other people to know who I really am, to see my true Self. In fact, I desire other people to help me see my true Self.

And if you want to find this freedom for yourself, you don’t have to go through a difficult personal growth program like I chose. You can. And you don’t have to.

Try this exercise. Think about five people in your life who you are closest to. These are the people you talk to about your life, your challenges, and your celebrations. These are the people you look to for advice or inspiration. Who are they? Write their names down.

Leadership mogul John Maxwell describes how the five people closest to you are your influencers and who you will be most like. What is their character? What are their habits? What do they spend their time doing? What mindset and attitude about life do they have? Are you like them? Do you want to be?

Get a tribe, a group of people who you aspire to be like, who see your true Self, and who let you struggle if that’s what it is for you. Find people you trust. Be around people who will feedback with equal amounts of love and challenge. Are you willing to let yourself be vulnerable and seek out the people who can help you achieve your dream life?

“The vulnerability journey is NOT the kind of journey we can make alone. We need support. We need folks who will let us try on new ways of being without judging us” (Brene Brown, Daring Greatly).

Be discerning. Don’t settle on people just because they have always been near you. Don’t settle for people just because you are related to them. Your tribe needs to be people who inspire the heck out of you, who are further along in their journey in some ways. The power of association is critical in personal growth and development. If you try to be your own coach, you will end up just like… well, you will end up just like YOU. And you’re already doing that.

You know who I love to be around? People who are positive, who speak kindly about others and uplift those around them. I love to be around people who are growing, who are committed to giving back to the world. I love being around people who are stretching themselves and taking bold actions to explore the limits of their potential. I love to be around people who are committed to having a peaceful life filled with love and inspiration.

I suspect you desire something like that, too. If so, this is the perfect place to be. Consider logging in to this site so you can leave comments and interact with the other readers. This is a safe place to explore, support, and discover more deeply who you truly are and who is in your community.

So much love to you all!

Leanne.